Wednesday, December 7, 2011

You're a Very Beautiful: Cool Runnings

Cool is something that I have observed but never cared to analyze or acquire. Also, I'm not cool enough to acquire it. I have never really striven to be cool, but to be accepted and desired? Plenty. But that's as uncool as it comes. Cool people have no outward craving to be accepted or desired. An inward craving, maybe. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Before I unduly give away my findings, I invite you to join me in this silly (for leisure purposes only) list of cool. As you read, please consider what 'cool' means to you:

Cool, by my estimation, is a mixture of James Dean and The Hollies "Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress". I assume she was a real person.

Cool is a couple of friends of mine that I will conveniently not mention the names of.

Cool is being self-possessed and contained. Someone could literally spit in a cool persons eye, but they would just wipe their face, like Atticus Finch and walk away.

Cool is never being intimidated. Ever. Who could ever intimidate a cool person? Maybe God, but that's it.

Cool is using a word like, "Fine" to cover every base of your current state of well-being. Cool is firmly leaving your answer to "Fine", and never, ever expounding. No matter how much you friends or loves ones beg you to.

Cool is George Harrison being the least popular Beatle, and not caring. In so doing, he was the coolest Beatle.

Cool is Mick Jagger hanging out with his 93 year old school teacher father. It's also not being able to get no satisfaction.

Cool is a teacher who humiliated me in front of my peers when I was younger, and without even flinching; without ever acknowledging the folly or the emotional toll. It was cool for sure. I write this without any irony or sarcasm. It really was. I could not have done it, and so I know it had to be cool. Did the teacher ever apologize? That brings me to my next point--

Cool people don't apologize. Unless they want to, in which case, they'll make you feel uncool just by their apology.

Cool people don't poop. It's true. The book's a lie--not everyone poops.

Cool people also don't trip (at least in public).

Cool people make messy look like clean....or, at least they make it look cool. People who aren't
cool and messy just look like slobs.

Cool people don't usually have bed frames. They sleep like this --

Cool people don't need advice. They don't ask for it, and they don't require it. I probably admire this trait the most.

Cool people do what they shouldn't do, even if it's really bad news. Like Bonnie and Clyde. Cool, but crazy. And dead, for that matter.

Cool people don't get broken up with, they break up. And sometimes they do it by simply moving away. Lone cowboys don't need to give explanations.

Cool people don't obsess over or really play sports, but if and when they do, they're Babe Ruth.

Babe Ruth was cool.

Cool people aren't afraid of horror movies, or sounds, or things that go bump in the night. If the thing was real, they still wouldn't flinch. They would be like that guy in Jurassic Park, "Clever Girl." and again, dead.

In fact, come to think of it, a lot of cool people are dead or about to die.

Cool people have Facebook accounts, but they rarely, if ever, post anything on it. For a profile picture? It's abstract art, a political cartoon, or a photo of them at a far distance. Interestingly, these cool people are often tagged in a lot of photos by others on Facebook. That's because uncool people want to 'up' their cool factor by posting pictures of cool people.

Cool people have Bette Davis eyes.

Bette Davis was cool because she spelled her name 'Bette' instead of "Betty."

Uber cool movie stars don't ever watch their own movies. But they do act in about 3-4 a year.

Cool people are never, ever, ever wound up. The only thing that might even remotely wind them up is a huge earthquake or hurricane, in which they will very nobly, and calmly head to the distaster site and be a one-man or one-woman rescue team.

You could tell a cool person that someone said something really mean about them, and there would be no response. And if there was one, it would probably be, "Everyone's entitled to their opinion." BANGARANG! So freggin' cool.

Cool people don't say 'freggin'.

Cool people will surprise you. They'll show up to events that you thought they'd never be caught dead at, just because you thought they'd never be caught dead there. They wear clothes you would never expect them to wear, and they may even tell you that they love a movie that you thought everyone agreed was only decent or stupid at best. Until cool person came around, you had always thought that Homeward Bound was just a nice little kids movie. Little did you know that it's the most transcendent movie ever made.

Now that I have rather thoroughly listed my estimations about cool people, I have reached a conclusion:

I am profoundly uncool.

Please feel free to share your ponderings on coolness. Unless of course you're cool, in which case you shouldn't be able to define your coolness. It's your essence.


  1. I think that this is your best piece that I've read. I learned more about you in this crafty little post than I think I have in our entire friendship. Bravo!

  2. But I think you're cool.... But you're usually not wrong... So now I'm confused. /:-)

  3. Tyson, thank you, that was quite the compliment. I appreciate it.

    007, if I only knew who you were! What would my husband say?

    Wait, I'm married to you? I MARRIED James Bond? What up now, Terri Hatcher?

  4. Perhaps you should read this:

  5. Jordan, that is brilliant. I'm glad you passed it along.