9 weeks, give or take, and we’ll have another human life in our household on a daily basis. My eyes get larger than they already are and I can’t seem to blink when I think about that. Our life is about to change in ways that you can only sort of prepare for, and everything else is just…war I would imagine? You go to basic training, if you’re a Navy Seal you do some pretty nutso training, and yet, no one and nothing prepares you for having to go in to actually kill Bin Laden. Alright, I’m going to stop referring to our child as a black ops scenario now. But Zero Dark Thirty is upon us, that’s for sure.
Who could have ever adequately prepared for the crazy child on the right?
Well, you guessed it! Husband is gone for another week and I’m only a little bit more OK with it this time since I will be traveling myself and also WITH him in the upcoming weeks. Are there people who think I might be crazy for choosing to travel this late in the game or later than this late in the game actually? I don’t know, I’m living on the edge while I can, because once that baby gets here I’m sure it will be all safety gates and nasal aspirators.
I guess I don’t really live too much on the edge anyway…
Here’s a typical day…
- Make my very best whale noises as I attempt to get out of bed
- Eat my breakfast, which is now heavily iron fortified due to my recently-diagnosed anemia. The doctor wants me to get it under control with the worst vitamins ever. I can’t seem to NOT up-chuck them. So after up-chucking…
- I somehow squeeze myself into workout clothes, and do my 45 minutes to an hour of working out, and with the extra weight piling on, it’s getting humorously challenging. How do I know? Tom walked in on my workout last week and his first reaction was to guffaw and laugh instantaneously. No hesitation. Not wise husband, not wise. There are special places reserved in hell for…well…anyway…
- Use the restroom about 23 times before that session is done
-Then to my desk I go for several hours of work, emails, answering really concerned parents questions about baby products and drug interactions (it’s how I make a living, believe it or not), writing articles and blog posts, sending a mass email to about 100,000 people on a mailing list (that’s not an exaggeration) and every few days giving away massive amounts of health products. I’m Santa Clause.
-Speaking of a bowl full of jelly, next I go from 0 to starving in about 60 seconds and I have to gnaw on my fist until my lunch is ready
- Back to my desk for a little more work…
- Then, late afternoon, I can’t keep my eyes open anymore and seem to never remember getting in my bed and sleeping for a couple of hours (thanks, anemia). During this time the baby lovingly kicks me in every uncomfortable place imaginable and I sometimes have dreams that people are hitting me in the stomach, most of you are the culprits in the dream actually. You are all barbaric and should be ashamed.
- When I awake, it’s back to my computer for about another hour of personal writing (screenwriting) which sometimes gets curtailed by me looking at my amazon baby registry and weeding out stupid things I put in there, like 3 different baby bath tubs. Was I high or just really concerned about my child's hygiene?
-Then, THANK GOODNESS, it’s time for dinner. During and after dinner I try to complete the final season of The West Wing. By then, my stomach feels so heavy for some reason (every single night) that I begin to long to get in my bed and lay on my left side, letting 17 pillows cradle me while I wastefully play Hearts or Candy Crush on my phone instead of reading Proust to the baby or something. Just keeping my mind active and intellectually stimulated people.
-At some point I wake up because my light is still on and I’m drooling on my pillow and electronics, and I realize that if my spouse were home this would never be allowed to happen, and I think, well, there’s that to be happy about when he’s gone. I can live like a college student again. But then I get up, look at the mess I am, and just pretend that none of the things that happened today happened, until tomorrow, when it happens almost exactly the same way.
Last week we went to the circus, it was really cool at some parts and a little lame at others. It was almost exactly as I imagined.
There were some surprisingly cool things though, like the trained poodle act, and this vortex thing. Animals are fun and all, but some of the human tricks were a little more impressive. I almost went into labor during the tightrope walking.
Cravings: Cookies. Oh boy, cookies. I’m being pretty healthy with all of these iron requirements, but Jiminy Cricket, you’d think my body was lacking vital cookie nutrients the way I’ve craved them. And of course, the saddest craving of all, ice. Ice is a red flag in this whole anemia thing, so I have to hang my head in shame when I say that ice is one of my seriously unhealthy cravings.
Aversions: Clothing. Nothing is comfortable anymore, nothing fits right, and sometimes it takes me 10 minutes to get my boots on. For some reason it requires laying in fetal position. Boots may have to be discontinued for the next 9 weeks. When your husband gets home from work to take you to a gathering and you are winded and crying from changing into clothes and shoes, it’s probably best to make some adjustments. You can take that one to the bank ladies.