Monday, December 16, 2013

You Are A Very Beautiful: Running on...


Exhaustion. Love and exhaustion. People say you become sort of delightfully stupid after having a baby, because of hormones or something chemical...
Nope, exhaustion; love and exhaustion. And it isn't delightful, it's...well, it isn't delightful.  I can't remember what anything is called anymore. Everything gets pointed to, grunted about and snapped at. I am a cave woman; in more ways than four. Even my hair is a little prehistoric these days. In fact, all of this parenting stuff is pretty primitive, so yabba dabba doo. Here's our little Bambam...


He is as cute as a button but not sleeping like one. We think he's in a growth spurt because it has been fuss and eat, fuss and eat, fuss and eat nonstop. He keeps forgetting the sleep part of the cycle, and that his parents are the ones that directly fund his life for a long, long time. We will remind him when he talks. That should be any day now, right? 



I have been continuing to heal, and getting just a little better every day, but how are you supposed to heal or even feel remotely well when you run on 1 1/2 hours of sleep at a time (NOT RHETORICAL!) And please, this 'sleep when the baby sleeps' thing is a beautiful thought, like world peace or Amazon delivering via drones, but I'd also like to shower off this cave dust from time to time and go hunt and gather my food and that is most definitely when Bambam sleeps.

I had Catcher three weeks ago, and I still don't really understand it all. "Dude, Where's My Car" is suddenly a very profound cinematic masterpiece to me. I feel like I still have to attend a few motherhood meetings or something, because I can't really make sense of what happened to my body, what has brought this beautiful boy to us, how to do more than one thing in a day, and for heavens sake, how I will ever get 4-5 hours of sleep in a row ever again? How do women go back to work? How do they not snap and growl at every person at said work? How do they do it with more than one kid? How do they maintain bodies that don't look and feel basically broken down? Don't get me wrong, I marvel at what my body was able to do in carrying and delivering a baby, but in my opinion, mine looks and feels like it took some serious abuse. It's discouraging to me about 18 hours of the day, so I want to ask my mother ladies what they did or what they felt about all of this stuff in the aftermath. 

                                                            He loves this grandma lady 

My doctor told me to give myself some serious credit and that I was a champ and blah blah blah, go sell it somewhere else. I don't feel like a champ and I am having a really hard time with this whole 'credit' thing. I mean, if it's like the Oscars where I'm the producer of this baby so I get to accept the award for best picture (baby) then I guess I get that sort of credit, but telling myself to be patient and have any sort of faith that I am mending and will continue to mend, well...all I can say is...

"Wilmaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" 




1 comment:

  1. Oh, Courtney. It probably doesn't help much, but what you are going through is what we ALL have gone through. And anyone who says they didn't, and everything was just beautiful and amazing and inspiring, is either a liar or on crack. Or deserves to be fed to a live volcano. But we all made it, with at least some of our sanity (questionable in my case - and whatever was left of it is being driven out by them now (those heathens are out for blood I swear.) You feel now like you can't function and you can't see how you will survive it, but your mothering skills are automatic, and you will stumble your way through hour by hour until one day you will get more sleep and your brain will once again remember what your name is and that of the man you married. In the meantime, just try to take it as it comes, let someone else come over and keep an eye on Catcher for an hour or so so you can sleep a little, and have faith that Tom will learn what all your grunting and pointing means soon.

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